The mother of Joran van der Sloot is talking about the moment she heard her son was accused of murder.
She spoke out for the first time on Good Morning America about the disappearance of Natalee Holloway and the murder of 21-year-old Stephany Flores.
"Part of me still wants to believe that its all a very bad movie but I thought immediately of the parents of the girl. In a way I lost my child too," she said.
Anita van der Sloot says she had arranged for her son to have treatment for a gambling addiction and a possible psychological disorder when he vanished from their home in Aruba.
"He left me a note, 'Mommy I love you but I don't want to go to the Netherlands. I'm invited to gamble in Peru and I can make money there and I want to stay there far away nobody knows me there.' Yeah, I was very angry."
The next time she heard from him, he was wanted for murder.
"I believe in karma. I believe that very strongly. I believe if you do things that you shouldn't do that a lot of (expletive deleted) happens to you. If he's involved then he needs to be punished," Anita said.
She believes the stress of being a suspect in Natalee's disappearance and the death of his father in March may have sent Joran van der Sloot over the edge.
"He's my son. He's not a monster, he can be very gentle. But it could be that he has a bipolar personality."
She has seen disturbing video of Joran behind bars but says she won't visit him and she admits her relationship with him is dead.
"There is no relation. There is no relation any more, no."